On Burnout, Joy, And Grief

It was 12 years ago, I think, that I gave up on my dreams. Caved in the pressure of my parents, after a year and a half of trying, with no tools, no support, no community, and abandonned 3D Art for the much more reasonnable studies in programming.

Now I can look back and see: How much I tried. How heartbroken I was. How hard it was, and how I couldn't do anything else with what I knew and had at the time. How the more i tried the worse it became. Now I can put a word on this abyss of pain I was in. Burnout.

A lot happened in those 12 years, I was able to accomplish quite a lot actually. I graduated from full studies in programming, I spent years with someone who... Tried their best to help me but hurt me more than they helped. And I tried, regularly, to get back into 3D modeling. I couldn't. It was too hard. I could open 3DSmax or blender, maybe start a model, but never continue it. I used to be able to create a whole diorama, with handpainted textures, in a week! I had such big projects about 3D. And for years I couldn't get anywhere close to it.

For years I thought that I needed discipline, that with the right schedule, the right motivation, I could just do it. But I always had the motivation, right? If I hadn't I wouldn't be looking for advices and end up on blogs about stoicism, self-discipline, and all this things that are touted as the road to success but were, for me at least, the road off the cliff.

What I needed was consistent support actually. After a few years of getting most of my needs met and receiving support in my projects, I have finally been able to make a game and to do some 3D without having a panic attack! This is huge! I've been waiting (and working) for that for years! I should be jumping with joy...

And the truth is, it's bittersweet. Getting back into 3D now, there's so much joy. But there's so much grief. I started to make some assets for my game, I have to relearn so many things. UV mapping used to be a bit of a chore, now with blender it's super easy. How fun! How cool! How cruel, that I didn't know. That I wasn't there when it changed. That the world of 3D, My World, moved forward, and I couldn't follow.

I looked into materials too. Do you know about Emissive? It's such a cool thing! You can define parts of a 3D model that emit light! It makes awesome effects, and Blender has it in the basic material. I thought only Unreal Engine could that, but no. It's a basic now. That's so cool, I can't wait to use it, I can't wait to learn more about it! I try not to dwell on the fact that it used to be one of my domain. I was good at making materials, you know? Best of the class, holding my own in my first job. Now I have to relearn it all. And it's cool in a way! It's fun to learn! I know very well that once I get into it, I'm gonna have a blast.

But. I feel robbed. I am so lucky to be able to get back into it. It took a lot of internal work and a lot of support from my partner. And now that I reconnect with that joy of making 3D, I understand why I was so disconnected from it, why I couldn't get anywhere close to it: It's too much! The joy! The JOY! It's what I love! It's what I spent years to learn because I wanted to! It feels so good to do it again!! It was my passion, and it. Still. Is! It's still there, right where I left it, burning bright despite the layers of dirt put above it. So intense it makes me cry if I hold it too tight.

And I am. So. PISSED. That it was taken from me. It was my fire, it was my soul, it was my reason to get up in the morning and to sleep at night. My parents saw that and all they could think was how to make me stop. How to push me into a "real job". How to cut me from it so I could fit better into the molds of capitalism. I needed help to find people to talk to, to exist, to express myself, to create my project. And all they could do is pressure me into quitting until I did. Until I broke. They were so happy when I did.

And so, going back to 3D now, there's so much joy, and there's so much grief. I grieve for those years spent cut off from myself. I grieve for what could have been, in a different world. And I try to welcome that pain with grace and kindness. I went through shit during those years, and most of it was unnecessary and cruel, that's true. It could all have been different, but it wasn't. Most importantly, I did my best with what I had, I chose the best with what I knew, and that has to be enough. I'm just a little goblin, I can only do my best. I will keep doing my best.

At least now I can bask in the joy of making 3D art again!